Dear Momma

Dear Momma:

Why didn't you tell me some of the families history before you died?
Like who if anyone had arthritis....I'm thinking daddy did even though he never complained, and only reason why I think so is when he died they straightened his fingers out and when I seen him in the casket I knew something was wrong with him, he just didn't look right. As I stood over him I realized his fingers were straighten out instead of all bent and crooked. That was my first clue he must have had arthritis.
And how about problems going to the bathroom? Now I know you had some problems but you never said what or how you had to fix them (if you ever did) and the only thing I know is that you ended up with rectal cancer from having those problems.
And allergies; Does anyone in our family have allergies? I can't remember any one coughing a lot but I remember you always having a runny nose and daddy always hacking up a lung. Were those allergies?
I know a lot of the important things, like who had breast cancer, and other woman part cancer. And I know about Diane's hole in her heart. (can't remember what they call it but I remember when I tell doctors hole in heart and they say.... Rheumatic fever and I say yes that's it).
But mom you didn't talk to us about your cancer. Oh sure I knew about the rectal cancer, and they said you had a spot on the lungs but it never grew larger. but there was cancer other places in nodes or something you didn't tell us about. Nor did you tell us what the doctor said about how long he thought you had.
Actually mommy you really didn't tell us much of anything. One day you were there my mom and the next you were in bed and I was taking care of you knowing it was the last time I would be with you.
There are so many times I wish I could call you. You knew about your first great grand son. But you never learned when we finally got our granddaughter your great granddaughter. We had Tj and Aaron when Kelley came along. Then Jeremy and Timothy Mark Jr., James and Logan before we got Kaitelynn! 8 momma I have 8 grandchildren. and Jack and I raised Tj. Tonya was at no point to take care of him after her husband ran off. And when she was Tj didn't wanna go home to her. SO we had him all the time. He is 19 now momma and as big as Jack! and do you remember when I was dating Jack and daddy said to me you sure you wanna marry him because he ate so much? Well so does Tj. LOL and momma so does Little man Logan, I hope your watching over them from heaven momma cause thats about the only thing that keeps me going daily. Cause there are days when I am so ready to just fall apart. Remember when you told me "just wait till you have kids of your own?" Yeah I told that to my daughter too. and she is like mom take off the curse! Oh yeah Momma Tonya did not have any girls she had 4 boys. I was right she got dad's moms curse of no girls. There is another thing I wish you and daddy told my kids about. Cause they look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them about it. They think it like an old wifes tale. But ya know I kept telling her every time she got pregnant that she wasnt gonna have a girl and I was right. I knew I don't know how I knew but I just knew she wouldn't. I keep thinking of what you and dad had said about grandma and her not being able to have girls and that is would be something passed down and I just knew Tonya would be the one to not have girls. Jack Jr had Kelley and Tim had Kaitelynn. SO both boys had one daughter. and momma Im afraid that neither of them will have girls when they get older. I really hope I'm wrong. The mothers these boys picked aren't ones you would have approved hell I dont really appove but its too late now and all I can do is Love my grandchildren, and put up with their mom's. and No the boys didn't marry these women, And Tonya OMG mom Tonya has 4 boys with 4 different guys and not one of them is worth shit! The one we loved like a son and we happily accepted him into our home and family only to learn he was a jerk and treated her badly after Logan was born. And the tears she has cried. She really picked some bad guys momma. Hey Momma guess what? I did help name her boys though, well not Tj as his daddy named him. But I named Aaron, Jeremy and Logan. and then when Tim and his girlfriend had Kaitelynn I was there at the hospital and I said let me please name her Ive named 3 boys and this is the only girl Im ever gonna get a chance to name please can I name her? They said what do you want to name her? I said Kaitlyn. But Shawn said do you care how its spelled? I said no as long as it was Kaitlyn. So they spelled it Kaitelynn. So I got to name my granddaughter too. Kaitelynn Ann! She has my middle name as well! Sigh can life be any better? Yes if you were here to share this all with me. There have been days momma when I really wish you had still been here to play with these grandkids. But I have muddled through and I'm still learning so much.. Main thing I learn every day is how much Love I have for them all.