I give up

Today I gave up:

I am in my 60's.
So some of my dream's are gone over kaput.
Like the dream house I I always wanted to have. When I was younger and first married and we were looking for our first home I knew what I wanted. But hubby wanted the house we got because he had dreams as well. Dreams that were killed by the city of Bloomington. Every single time he took them an idea of what he wanted to do for our house they shot it down. WHY? Well because we live on a corner double lot. They came to us wanting us to sell them the corner half of the lot so they could build a house on it which would have been so damn close to us and we said NO. We bought this double corner lot because our neighbor that was next to us was also on a double lot so they were a distance away from us not like the houses right across the street where you could reach out your bedroom window and touch your neighbors house. And this house being on the corner wasn't close to the house on the other side either because there was a street in between. So when we turned the city down they became pissy and started to be on our backs every time we turned around. We didn't mow our lawn right. Our dog was barking to much. We left a bike out front. and on and on and on. SO when we wanted to add on they said no,no,no,no. When we finally did get them to agree on what we wanted it basically just doubled in size. but wasnt they way we really wanted. One thing that we did do that they hated was we put the basement steps in middle of house and they didnt want them there. But it was to late to change so they stayed.
So my house wasn't the way I nor my husband wanted it. And now it's way to late. I was looking on line at homes in Florida to possibly move to and the ones that even have part of what Ive always wanted in my dream home is so expensive that no way am I gonna get it in our retirement home. I have seen some condo's that have what I want but hubby's no very heped up on Condo's. They are to much like apartments. and neither of us want to go back there again if we can help it. 50 plus places might be the answer but I'm thinking we might need assisted living. I'm worried. Hubby is showing some signs of..... Well I just don't wanna say because I'm not sure but he seems to twitch a lot. and he is making lots of noise when he is sleeping. and his eye twitchs, and he says he will be holding something and all of a sudden drop it with no warning. SO yeah I need to get him in to a doctor to talk about whats going on. We may need to get a different kind of place to live and I don't know if it will have anything that I want. My dreams are over. I give up.

Happy New Year-2016

Well here we are 4 days into the new year and we have already been to a funeral of hubby's sister. We got a chance to see some family we hadn't seen in quit awhile. So even thou it was a sad time it was also good. The boys are back in school. I need to call the doctor now to see about surgery on my shoulders because the pain is to bad. I'm looking forwards to Friday. We get to go see Williams and Ree again. I love them. I think I have been going to their shows since I was about 13. First show I went to was with my dad and Uncle Harold. I didn't understand most of the jokes but if they laughed so did I. Only thing I know I remember for sure is Running Bear the song they sing. Yup I don't care how many times I hear that song I love it and will never tire of it. I am praying 2016 will be much better.

MORE BAD NEWS

So we got more bad news yesterday.
First we learned hubby's sister passed away. We knew she might as she had cancer.
Then we learned that hubby's younger brother's wife also passed earlier this month.
and this morning I woke up couldn't swallow water so went to urgent care and learned I had strep. UGH. yeah this year can be over any time now please.

Merry Christmas Bah hum bug

Well Christmas was yesterday and it was terrible. We had no gifts for any of the grandchildren. It was made worse by the fact I had a accident at Logans school. So bad I cant talk about it for now.
My Uncle who had his leg removed from knee down is dying. Yes dying. And my mom's last living brother has also passed away. I just seem to have more and more bad news. I want this year to be over cause I just can't deal with any more.
Please god I am asking you please no more. and please make 2016 better.

Another year of prayers and unhappiness

So we have started out this year with my uncle falling and breaking his back and some ribs. Then he had some toes removed. They did not cover them properly so of course they got infected. He ended up in the hospital. Then when he finally got back to a NEW nursing home, they decided he would need either his foot removed or from just below the knee down removed. They ended up doing the knee down. He seems to be doing better, but he also has Sun downer which my dad also had before it progressed to full blown Alzheimer's. The thing that upsets me the most on this is this Uncle is only 10 years older than me.
Now today which is our grandson Jeremy's 13th birthday we learned hubby's brother's wife is in the hospital and may not make it. We aren't even sure what is wrong or what happened. So we are sending out more prayers there.
On top of all this we wanted to be in Florida by now and we will be staying here till at least June, unless we get kicked from our home. Yes we are now not able to make payment once again and are once again in foreclosure. This Christmas will be bleak for sure.
I have medical bills and they are just getting larger.
For the last few weeks when I go to the bathroom I have been bleeding ...........A LOT!
I showed hubby and he agreed yes it was a lot. So I went to the doctors. They ordered both scopes one up the back side and one down the throat. BUT when they called me to talk to me about the appointment they told me I have been blocked because I guess I owe a bill from way back in 2004 when we had no insurance and I had these same test done. (we have cancer running very high in my mom's side of the family) I don't have the money to pay this bill so I can't get these tests done. SO here I sit bleeding almost daily. I'm scared that by the time I do get the tests if ever it will be too late!
So what started out as a good year for me learning to walk has turned into a nightmare for me. PLUS I need surgery on both my shoulders. I just don't know what to do any more. I cry so much. I keep asking why me? and why can't I get help? I've got help from our clinic to pay our medical bills but they don't do past bills! I pray daily for myself as well as everyone else whom is having troubles.
The only good shinning light is our Aaron is back home. It was a bad way he came back. Just before Thanksgiving but Hubby and I are so very very happy he is home!

Lasting Memories

As I sit playing my games on Face book, two of my grandsons are playing on their computers here in the living room. I am sorta listening to them as they play. The youngest of the two who is 8 (until Jan) is giggling away while his brother (who is 12 till Dec) is giving demands of what to do next in the game. (they are playing the same game together on their computers) What is funny to me is this is one of the few times they are NOT FIGHTING.
The older whispers something to me and I don't answer he whispers a little louder and I still don't answer, his brother tells him I am ignoring him. I laugh to my self because he has it right I am ignoring his brother as I want to see what they are talking about with out seeming that I am nosey. They will learn soon enough that grandma is nosey about everything.
The thing I love the most about just listening to them is Little man's giggle. he sounds just like his older brother Tj. Tj is now 20. You might remember we (gpa and I) raised Tj from a baby. I have tons of memories that I am trying hard to hang on to. Him giggling him telling me up every 3 secs when he could walk himself and he was no small baby/child. Him being out at the farm being a dare devil, climbing up the ladder at 3 to the top and scaring the hell out of me. Him taking a 3" spike 5" long and hammering all day long till he got it into the pole barn cause he wanted to help gpa build it. Him running from room to room when we were looking for a house in town to buy and move to saying this would be his room all the while I was thinking he was going to be heart broken to learn he wasn't moving with us. Little did we know he would be and wouldn't be leaving us. And the day his brother Aj moved in with us so that now he not only had a playmate, he had his brother with him in South Dakota with him and gpa and gma.
Little man is so much like his older brother. he has the soft heart like his brother does. He too is not a small child. and he giggles just like his big brother. I hope he never looses that giggle. Every day when I drop him off at school when I hug and kiss him I tell him to have a giggle happy day and to smile. Then I "poke" him because that is his thing poking. I had hoped he would have grown  out of it by now but no he is still poking everyone. They both like to eat everything. Including most things other kids don't like to eat.
So why am I doing this today? well the boys are home from school this week. Today and tomorrow they have some kid of conference at school then of course Weds they are off for Thanksgiving break. That and the fact that I am really hoping to move to Fl next spring. I wanted to be gone NOW but things happened to keep us here. And of course the other thing is I'm getting older , They say alzheimers is inherited. So I want to keep these in my mind as long as possible. I want to remember these great kids who have spent most of their life with us. These are the memories I want to keep right there right up front so if I don't know anyone I hope I can remember the giggle.

And the waiting game begins.

Went to the doctor this morning.
Hubby had found a lump a few days ago. So I made a doctor's appointment. I also wanted to have her check my knee. It is still bothering me since I fell on my birthday this year out in South Dakota.
 She checked the knee first said I needed an x-ray and then to go see the ortho doctor. That's ok I like Dr Ghose He is the one who took lump out of my arm did surgery on my knee and did my hubbys shoulder and hip surgeries.
Then I have an appointment this Thursday to get another mammogram and an alter sound done for the lump found in the breast. I say another because I just had one done in April of this year.
SO the waiting part begins as does the worry part!


up date: test come back normal. NO CANCER! relief.