The pain never stops WE just learn to cope.

 I was speaking with a long time friend whom I had lost contact with but thanks to Social media we reconnected. She was telling me her 3 children had been placed in foster care after she lost her 4th baby. I asked all the usual questions hopefully said all the polite things then what she said next floored me. " you don't know the pain and guilt I carried around all these years because you have never been there you have 3 children you got to raise". I said well that's where your wrong. YES I raised 3 of my children but I lost 2. and I always wondered if I could have done something differently. Would our daughter had the sister or sisters she always wanted or would she still be the only girl in the family of 4 boys? Was I being punished for wanting another girl because 1 wasn't enough? The things that race through your mind when you loose a child before its even born or just after birth as my friends case was can tear you to pieces. I used to carry their D.O.D. OR D.O.B. in my wallet but then my husband said I was carrying it too far it was over and done with it was God's will. I knew he didn't understand a mother's pain and I knew he carried his own but those words hurt oh so much, that they almost broke our marriage. But years go on as they do when you are raising the 3 living children you are blessed with and you slowly let go. Oh the pain is still very much there 50 years later but I've learned to cope with it not deal with it and not understand it just know that for whatever reason I have 3 and God's hands hold my other 2 and someday I may get to learn who they would have been and maybe even why I wasn't allowed to keep them.